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Maybe some of you are tired of feeling like glorified babysitters and transportation coordinators. He should have a right to have a say in the life of his own child. See what I'm saying? Any discussion about it in which he implies that his daughter is responsible for the decision to move is inappropriate, but when he told her she shouldn't ever bother coming back he was outrageously hurtful and irresponsible. I don't see how I took anything out of context, Thermometer. I told him that he should be supporting his child AND doing these things - but in his mind it seemed fair. When he took it out on his daughter because her mom is moving away with her, by saying that to her.. he is burdening her with guilt and blame over something she has absolutely no control over. and he seems to be getting worse by the minute! My Boyfriend's Kids Are Lazy and Have No Discipline! It's just not the same thing. BF ate a bananna and I suggeted SD do the same (she usually has fruit for breakfast - strawberries, banana, apple, but that day we only had banana)- i ate nothing. personally I think OP won't be back and this debate will go on for another 40 posts We as SM's are not to question anything related to our husbands children we are just there as glorified babysitters, maids, transportation coordinators but to actually care about a child who is in our care thats just absurd. I was hurt. He responded with what you didn't want to hear, but what you nonetheless need to digest. I don't know why it was so important to me. Lose for you and the little girl who will never have a proper relationship, and win for your BF. To be honest I am shaking and upset after reading the comments from those of you who suggest I should run for the hills. I soon began to loath the exchange - having to smile and say hi to his ex twice every weekend. I agree with weed, he is complete jerk or lying to you. If blaming you for everything that happens is his normal way of looking at situations then you've . NOW--I agree---he shouldn't have undermined you, BUT IMO he should not have been put in the position of having to undermine you. The OP might feel the same as you, but I hope she got my point. In ways it might have been better if she hadn't. It's highly likely that I will be unable to conceive naturally, and my doctor has already started to council my about the possibility of IVF. He expressed his desire to have more children with early on in our relationship. Why put yourself in a position of powerlessness? Our final choice did not depend so much on what they thought, but we did want them to feel included! And, if the sandwich DID turn out soggy and SD complained, you'd be on much higher moral ground saying, "Well, I did warn you that a tomato sandwich would get soggy but it was your choice. You can't save him or change him either.thinking that is only going to get you in deeper and hurt worse.My only advice is to cut your losses and move on.If you stay, this situation is unpredictable but from what you already have said, it is clear that you will not be allowed to be a "real step mom" to this girl if you are to never be in any kind of "authority" position over her? Should i take reposibility for my boyfriends child? I don't know what it matters if you disagree with my analogy if your exception to it has nothing to do with the purpose the analogy served and also doesn't disprove relevance to the subject matter. The truth is I do not crave to be with her, but I am happy to be with her and him on the days that he see's her. She has a full wardrobe of clothes here at her dads house for the one night of the week she stays over. even wiht busy hours and geographical distance i would expect people to see their children more than once a month. And every single issue you're stressing now will come to haunt you 100 fold. This might be what is truly behind her feeling less than close to the childmaybe if he'd relax, let them come together naturally, it will? I have told him that she should be looked after by the mother if he is unable to take care of her and he can pick her up in the morning. Realize that the ex will forever be in their life. I resent her because all his attention is on her- when its just me and him he holds my hand, when its three of us he holds her hand and not mine and they walk off on me - like I dont exsist. He doesn't value your opinion and her undermized you in front of his daughter. I do think that if you intend to stay in this relationship that BOTH of you need to go to counseling--and possibly all three of you. You may use the biological father's name on the birth certificate even if you are not divorced at the time of birth. That is just not enough food/nutrition for a growing child. He is a veteran and has 2 kids, boy 13, girl 7 i dont have children which forces me to be a stepmother. He doesn't see anything wrong with the situation. If she decides it's a competition with you, it will be hell for you because he is encouraging that and you will be frustrated and angry. When the person we love starts pushing the blame on us all the time and never owns up his/her mistakes, we tend to develop certain dislike lit. OP has already told us she doesn't feel that way---so when you say "well, why not?" The whole picnic thing . if that is your biggest battle in a blended family count your blessings. I think that some of you are getting the wrong end of the stick (eg KKNY) with the sandwich thing. You explained some of the circumstances and emotions that normally go along with adopting a child (though there are numerous other reasons people adopt). Again he stormed out and did not talk to me for days. you are kidding, right? It means simply you do have feelings of love and you do for them as if they were yours. I do not blame her. Therapists are Standing By to Treat Your Depression, Anxiety or Other Mental Health Needs Explore Your Options Today For the sake of brevity, my story did not include that my birth mother did return months after she'd dropped us off. Anyway, another weekend and another fight. Can you see why I am so confused? And I applaud your "stepmother" who did what she did and became a mother to you in every aspect. IF that is truly the reason he does not support his child, that has to be the worse excuse I've ever heard! Anyway, I guess this is a real mess. So I said no tomato - my BF said to give her anything she wanted, "if she wants tomato then give it to her" I stuck to my guns thinking that I knew better (and actually feeling like a mom who was making a good decision in regard to the child). Who cares if he's loving with someone else an ex's child, of all people if he isn't expressing the same loving attitude to YOU, his girlfriend. But her BIO DAD is non-existant. I don't see it myself. Last week he told her that if she left then she should not bother coming back to see him - this week he started again with a kinder tact (thankfully), but this time trying to manipulate her. Unless you want to be miserable, you need to stand up for yourself with him and then you risk losing him. But the reality is I don't want to leave. Courts do not care if mom screwed everything that walked if she is the custodial parent she deserves CS. I told him I did not want to baby sit - I work long hours and my time off should be my own if I am not with him or with him and her, but he tells me that I have not accepted him as a man with a daughter and that I do not crave or desire to be with her. Why do I say that? To be honest I am sick of every weekend being ruined by him reacting badly to a situation. He should have gotten it together earlier in the morning to ensure that she ate breakfast and not brunch on the road, when lunch was to be shortly served upon arrival to the zoo. Meeting my boyfriends child for the first time - panicking. It takes alot of work and copartnership. My SD on the other hand, I met when she was almost 7(2yrs ago). wow. "we had an hour and a half before arriving and who knows how long until lunch, I'd want a snack on the way too". My Boyfriend May Have a Mental Illness I Need to Consider My Child's Safety. That is exactly the kind of one-time statement that can do lifelong damage. If she decides to be manipulative, it will just get worse. people need to carry with there own responsabilitys and stop pining them on anyone else! You can keep making more of my statement than I meant even after I explained what I meant by it. Am I wrong not wanting to attend my step sons birthday. That is a total disrespect as an individual.3. My own SM whom I adored.My daughters SM, whom I adored as she tried her with all her might to be a good mother to my daughter whenever they were together. "It appalls me that he would do this, but really it does not surprise me. Maybe he doesn't take responsibility because he's an immature jerk. The single major difference is a person doesn't birth an adopted child just like they don't birth a stepchild. What parent would forgo child support for such a ridiculous reason? Did I do the wrong thing by offering my opinion? No one is responsible for anyone else's emotions. He wants everything HIS way and in HIS time. Attack over. But then things all started going wrong - my BF wanted me to play the stepmom, but did not like me making decisions for his daugter - something I had trouble distinguishing between. I would not let my child ride in a car like that. (so I sympathize with that). one day a month is extremelly limited contact, it is 12-days a year. And usually the income and assets of a new spouse (of either a payor or a recipient) aren't considered when child support amounts are being worked out. WRONg that alone i would have dropped his BUTT! The way you protect yourself from that happening is to let your BF parent his DD. Personally I do think that both parents should be financially responsible for the child, his defense was that he had the child for 2 nights a week and when he took her out on the weekend he took her to expensive outings (balloon rides, helicopter rides, snow trips staying at lodges etc). I know that my boyfriend spends less time with her now compatred to before, but he knew this would happen when he chose his new job (it was in motion even before I met him). She got about 2 inches cut off - but BM went crazy and cried hysterically and ended up telling me that she was not jealous of my relationship with her daughter (i concluded she was - why bring it up if she was not?). He should be mortified at himself for having said it.". It's very frustrating when one feels that one is equal to their partner, and able to make decisions for the household or family event(s) planning (like your picnic), and then have one's say completely vetoed; and even worse in your case to be TOLD that you are not to make decisions for his DD (yea, maybe he is a control freak). There is nothing to talk to him about to try to straighten out. Maybe I need to clarify for the third time that I'm not suggesting loving like one's own and loving one's own are the same. It doesn't mean your feelings are exactly the same. But the reality is I don't want to leave. Your stepmom was thrust into the role of full-time mother and thank God she handled it gracefully and beautifully. Lovehadley, you hit the nail on the head & I love reading your responses. The most usual way for a step-parent to become a parent is when the bio-parent leaves the picture. He was also bad mouthing the mother to the child (then 4) and telling the child that her mother was lazy and telling her why they had broken up ( his reason was she was too lazy to go to work). He is either lying to you, or is a class A jerk. I haven't heard anything about him, in your posts that suggest redeeming qualities worth fighting for.. he treats you different when she is not around but she will be around for the rest of his life. In general, you can claim your boyfriend's child (as qualifying relative) if: No other taxpayer can claim the child as dependent (qualifying children), You paid more than half for the child's support. On one accassion I had arranged to go to the zoo with my brothers family and we were going to have a picnic. It is their job as a parent to do so; it's not an insult nor neglectful toward you. It was a lot of fun. BINGO!You do all the work. That is perfectly okay too btw.I am reading your posts and that is all I see, is someone who doesn't like the situation she is in, and would really like to leave. He's made it abundantly clear anyway that you have no authority and you make no decisions regarding the girl. He wants things his way and he wants it both ways. I'm sorry, but stand up for yourself and drop him. Blah! My boyfriend's father hushed me. That is exactly the kind of one-time statement that can do lifelong damage. If you are married to him, it will be your problem too if that happens. LOL I should have known better than to second guess her. I know that BM is jealous of my relationship with her daughter - I used to spend time with SD and clean up her room with her etc and these stories got back to her. We were all happy this week untill he started talking to SD about her moving interstate. It is a balancing act and it is very difficult. In addition to all this last week we found out that BM is taking SD interstate at the end of the year to live. Here's her story so you can judge. He expects you to love her and yet you and him only see her once a month? Drop him. For most of Graham's six years on earth, it has been solely up to me to foster a relationship between him and his father. Do you want to be micro-managed for the rest of your life? I was so angry. But this is getting worse by the word. According to him she left because he wanted to her go to work and he didn't want to go (child was almost 2). You are not responsible for your boyfriend's medical bills, unless you signed a guaranty for them when he went to the hospital. After this incident I decied to take a step back. about babysittingyou should not be babysitting anyone on a regular basis but once a month? To be honest I did love her in the beginning and I do still care for her, but the motherly instincts that were growing in me were abruptly snuffed out by BF's comments and actions. I did not let my SD ride in the front seat of my car until she was 13, the recommended age by the NHTSA and AAP. That kind of dictatorial, bullying stance needs to be dealt with because it will just continue to make you miserable. If your boyfriend is required to file a return, he is considered a taxpayer and he must claim the child on his tax return. He may not have always been that way people put on their best behavior until you are hooked, then they let the guard down and go back to who they really are and he's showing you his true colors. Some of this is natural in a fairly newish relationship, but when it starts to color your overall feelings you need to step back and see if you are acting or reacting. A little of that part I still question but really think those circumstances were created out of your desperation to finally do something that pleases him - a man who cannot be pleased. I am not going to try to guess who the lunatic(s) is here -- but I suspect you are not being told the entire truth. BUT he thinks that me not going is not supporting him - and it is a big issue. My boyfriend wants a child with me, but can't/doesn't want to pay for Thank you all for your comments. And I truely think he wants a family and a woman in his life who truely loves his daughter like he does. Thank you for Houzz uses cookies and similar technologies to personalise my experience, serve me relevant content, and improve Houzz products and services. And thanks, but I don't need resources in reading comprehension. 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See anything wrong with the situation his BUTT and became a mother to you in aspect!
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