If you try to make them be loyal like a normal sister or mom they will only become bigger liars than they already are. 7 Times It's OK For Your Partner To Be Friends With Their Ex - Bustle A controlling, abusive one who wants to remain connected to try and continue to control and punish you by any means possible which is why I took the difficult decision to break contact. A few days before Thanksgiving, I text my sister to ask her if he would be there. Hes not a healthy person, and hes extremely selfish. I didnt even know about it until SHE told me. Your last sentence says it all. The trouble was was that it took me 17 years to realise I was in an abusive relationship but because I suddenly got it and all previous red flags made sense they couldnt get their heads around it especially when he was an excellent actor in front of them! My kids are actively involved in sports year round and Ive always been nothing but cordial at sporting events with my ex because of my kids! Most of his family spoke poorly of her during their time together and it seems to really be one aunt in particular who invited her to all the family functions. Ive cut ties with my brother and SIL. How can I make the experience bearable? I tried to work on us. Of course, after the hangout, her X uses it to hurt my sister. When it comes down to it, it doesn't take a genius to see where her ultimate. I think you have to be in the writers situation to understand how messed up her family is being. I hope everyday for the strength to make myself not care and finally be happy for myself and my kids. I would like to at least say family time is family time. She also has full custody of the kids, which means she would technically have more influence in there lives then he could just by visitation witch is several weekends a month, my parents are/where? I wonder how it will all play out, but at this stage I have learnt to live without them. 17 yrs married and I cut ties with my family cuz they would rather hang out with my ex. Im not saying wishing a happy birthday is bad, but when I see the many continues contacts between them two MY Im gonna get hurt WALL comes up with a vengeance. when did you skip the part of your life where your suppose to learn how to deal with and tolerate people you dont like or get along with? Your daughter is. Not true she medically neglected me and beat me for taking my inhaler amongst other things. They are treating him as part of the family. You are asking for some secular conditions on a relationship that was probably made under religious terms. Divorce is such a bitch for women and they get no support. My mother told me when I was in my thirties. Free at last! I was told they where simply all friends. That means ur family are in support of that divorce if not they will not be friend to is girl friend and ur sister, is very bad for them to go out with is girl friend I did not support it. This is so hard. The reality is many times we are still aunt or uncle to the children of siblings, independent of the divorce. I wonder if I should invite my family for dinner to reconnect and have my brothers ex wife there. They enjoy him and so they cant get beyond themselves and actually, whether they know it or not, I think they enjoy that it hurts me. Shame on them. He never remarried and stays glued to my family as if they were his own. You think how you feel now is how youll feel forever, so you rush off and get married, or at least thats what I did, irresponsibly. He eventually was paroled last year So, reading most of your experiences makes it easier to let go of the people in my family who still think I was in the wrong for leaving him. Regardless Id be willing to bet its very painful for your ex when her family cozies up to her ex like that. He was stingy with money and the kids and I hobbled along as I was a teacher. So plain and simple, in their eyes we are their family even though youre not together youre still their family you always be around each other and if you cant do that then you need to look deep inside and start doing some forgiving. You stay strong and take the high road. As it got closer to Thanksgiving, I started worrying that my ex would be there. When I got a divorce my family continued to have a relationship with my ex. My support pack, Raising Self-Esteem, should help you to build your . One thing I noticed, that no one seemed to address, is the fact its the OP with the problem. Those are all solid indicators of his character; not that he still has a thing for his ex but that hes a stand up guy who treats his partners well, cares for his friends and is probably someone whose friends know hes got their backs. I never did anything batshit apart to leave a man who I found out since day one had been manipulating my good nature. My sister is a predator. To me it smacks of some kind of power trip. They have one child, with whom he has a difficult relationship. We provide resources that help you in your relationship, marriage, and dating life. You are so dead on when you suggested my x is a narcissist and very manipulative as well. However, it has definitely affected our relationship, as I am cordial with her and our conversations are superficial, as I cannot trust that anything I tell her wont make it back to my Ex. ), and all the child support he never paid. If you cant handle being around your ex, its time to grow up and move on with your life. I did that, too. My kids ask about it they see it and it hurts them. This is unacceptable total betrayal. My hearts hurts for you. There is no loyalty in my family. And that book and therapy have help me to release myself from my families manipulation and emotional neglect/abuse. My Stepmum gave up a baby and when they reconnected when he didnt behave how she wanted him to she kind of gave up on him. Yep! Do you not have a family of your own? I mean Im sorry but if your the only one who find him unbearable then maybe you should do some self reflection. So now Ive lost yet another sister and her kids whose daughter hasnt seen my ex in over 5 years but invited him to throw it in my face. He might work hard for what he has but that suggests you value material and financial effort more than other factors. On the other hand, my daughters father, who I didnt marry, is still extended family to my whole family and Im still family to his. Itd be different if he was abusive or an antagonist, but from what you said he sounds like he is a likable and decent human. She would not see her father. This type of behaviour if not challenged, will only get worse. Now, though, he can't stay erect after the first round of intercourse. People tell themselves anything to rationalize crazy behavior. Thank you for this. Its your life. It hurts a lot and it has estranged me from these family members. He and her family are inappropriate and hurtful. Our lossthe relationship our daughters once had is gone. Omg i see that post is old by PLEASE if you see this let me know. He also has a history of assaulting women but my family just believe his lies and manipulations. He acts like any feelings are my problem, or he doesnt care about how I feel as if its an annoyance. I really do. My ex-wife divorced me with no reason after 29 years of marriage. I give my 100% respect, honesty and more; and I sure want the same. My sister just got divorced, and we (my kids and I) have to ask HER permission to talk to or see her ex.. my kids uncle! Yesterday he text her about how wrong it was, how it hurt him and was a huge mistake. The ex and I are publicly cordial. I know it bothers my husband a lot, but he doesnt really like to talk about it. They did not care if I was there or not. I would go there for holidays , weekends and just to visit. She still claims innocence. She asked me to stop talking to my friends to avoid problems with her, I asked her to do the same with her ex, she claims that she talks to him because of her daughters, which are old enough to do the talking for themselves. So its not like its just up the street or even conveniently close. They all include him in holidays, excluded me and still continue to invite him, sometimes now me as well, but I do not join as the pain is so deep. He keeps insisting that is nothing that I shouldnt worry about her, that he wouldve not asked me to move in with him if he wanted to do something with her or any other women. My ex has 8 brothers and sisters but has decided to take my one sister also. Please educate yourself about abuse. In fact, if you are a little icy that's okay. He doesnt take the kids to the dentist, doctor, for hair cuts or anything else they need beyond food. From a woman in the U.S.: My ex-boyfriend I broke up in October. Since then my family still only wants to talk to me only to tell me what they have. Every divorce is different & this divorce needs separation which hasnt happened. it hurts me. I can see them inviting him for like dinner or an outing unrelated to you,but not for family affairs such as holidays or any other occasion where you are attending simply out of respect & consideration for you. Id be a liar to say it doesnt get under my skin. I dont have Facebook because hed stock me, but my family is on there. Let me explain when someone has been playing mind games for years and especially if you have grown up in a dysfunctional family you accept that abuse due to grooming/conditioning and low expectations and also because basically because youre a good person who doesnt think for a minute your partner has an agenda. Why would you have important family gatherings, and isolate your own sister or brother? In reality he beat my mother relentlessly and emotionally abused us kids as well. How family can be so insensitive and how they can befriend someone who hurt their sister/daughter so much is beyond me. Of course my heart was ripped out and I have voiced my feelings about the whole situation to only be ignored. Furthermore, if our adult children are involved, I feel like I have to compete for their attention. Thats a line that he has a right to draw. He was comfortable enough to talk crap about me to them (though they say they didnt indulge it), it would leak back to me sometimes through my sisters or mom. Dont be selfish. And someday when you have a new husband it would be great if he could be friends with your ex. I do NOT understand why family does not support family and you and your feelings should be the priority, not your ex. Something is definitely wrong in family dynamics nowadays. Very likely! Focus on yourself and your kids and spend time with people whose actions show they really value and care about you xx. The person is obviously is a bad friend and you are getting a divorce, regardless of him or her, right? He knows that you both have different pathways, and he is fine with it. "acceptedAnswer": { You cant change them but you can change yourself. Yes you initially wanted them to be embraced but things changed and your family didnt marry your ex. What they are doing is really uncool and unacceptable. Constance. Divorce just hurts. Be happy, enjoy your kids every single day!!! But It doesnt matter what anyone says, its always the actions that prove truth. I feel you. I almost lost my life to alcohol I lost my job, I got sick and was admitted into the hospital emergency ward. My mom cut ties with me when I decided to divorce my husband after 17 years of marriage. Am I wrong for telling my nephew how this has hurt me and that if he allows the two of them to come and stay in his home ( my family) I will not come back to visit. Is it possible youve made veiled ultimatums that they resent and are subconsciously preferring your ex as a form of protest? 2. Disown your cousin it is non negotiable so no point in warning her, a snake is a snake- is a snake. Its possible to live a happy healthy life without your family constantly involved in your life. I can also have a better report with her than my dad at times. I dont think so Im going through a similar situation Im recently divorced I dont have any family but a sister-in-law and a nice lost my brother recently today I was talking to the ex about things about my child and he knew I was having dinner he wanted to come over and I said nothing I was shocked so I texted him back and said theres no way I would have you over for dinner I just cannot do that he called me back not only did he say Im going to have to get over it that hes coming to my nieces wedding I had no idea no one asked me I thought to myself how disrespectful my one and only niece I feel like I was stabbed in the back and my sister-in-law was telling me off I mean every time his family has a function nobody invited me for graduations it really hurt but theyre trying to tell me to be the bigger person Im not going to get a prize for this and he is mentally abusive and plays games so here he is one up on me this is how it goes with a narcissist my best friends at work are livid lost for words and my other three best friends that Ive been friends with for years are livid I too am on the brink of not going to this wedding and Im supposed to do her hair. If you can you need to tell them how you feel. During my divorce, we attended a seminar coping with divorce that explained from the point of view from the children. They talk to me about him like I want to know He didnt get that it wasnt okay to keep hanging out with my family. And I personally have no problem whatsoever with him or his girl. Sounds like your ex and mine are both sociopaths who are masters at manipulation and gaslighting. My family like yours just couldnt see what the problem was but it IS toxic and it is dysfunctional. Of course not I told her. Him bringing the Kids to their family your Sister and that is good for your children. Thats YOUR stuff. Fix your things and youll feel better about the rest. When you were married to him did he ignore your needs and were you afraid to speak up? That is true for you. The pain you are feeling now will be lessened with time. We had no children. False. He was abusive, I dont think youre being ureasonable at all! Today it took my breath to see my brother and sister-in-law friends with them on Facebook. and respect your feelings at the time. How did you over come this? Him being able to utilize your family members to deny you having the kind of relationship you should be having with your children and family is really rock bottom. They know theyre doing wrong. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories and your pain. I quit Talking to my family as much about my personal life/feelings because I didnt trust them as much. Dont worry about doing the right thing for your kids The right thing for your kids is a geninuenly happy mom. It was the path to freedom for me from my narcissistic, covertly controlling ex-husband. Beliefnet is a lifestyle website providing feature editorial content around the topics of inspiration, spirituality, health, wellness, love and family, news and entertainment. That is HER family. Do/did you ever spend time with them outside of hollydays. Smh. She responded and told me that yes, he would be there. The brother and ex are strangely close. He has held resentment against her for chosing me in the divorce and basically looked for a reason to punish her. Perhaps talking to your family and your ex about your feeling would be a good start. My family did the same thing to me.. I know how you feel. And two years later he is still doing his evil from keeping my sister and her family away from me . Its sucks, but thats what narcissistic people do. And you need to revise your opinion of good people. Fights in YOUR corner . But, now she is telling him that the child is not to have ANY contact with me or my family. I've been fine with missing certain gatherings with our friend group just to make things easier for everyone and to create less drama, but it now seems like the only options are to find a new best friend, reach out to my ex to try to be friends again, or just keep ditching outings that my ex attends. Shes smart, everyone else is dumb. Sadly she has cancer but her behaviour over the last 5 months towards my Stepdad and myself reminded me so much of my ex etc that I found myself heading for a breakdown with my Stepdad along with me. My mom and I werent on the best of terms because as a child I whistle blew on her abuse of my sister and I. Every person says,he didnt do it to me so why shouldnt I? To me, its the worst form of betrayal. I know your comment was from a long tome ago but in hopes you may see this, I just want to say I agree! You are choosing some pseudo, moralistic high ground rather than allowing your children to spend time with their family (INCLUDING THEIR DAD). I felt like I'd been burned. I wont go to any of those functions because I can not be in the same room as my ex especially if he is with his girlfriend. You are not alone, Stephanie. Growing up with people and familial bonds will stay with you for life and thats why she hurts. 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